Firstly, I’d like to apologise. I know, no one should be subjected to such a rude awakening at that hour. And I realise it’s not nice to start the day with a google image of The Bristol Stool Chart – but believe me, the real life version was far more harrowing. 

I know, I know, we’ve been here before. We agree our working hours and every single time I promise not to break them – I really mean it! But then, who could have predicted the boy would refuse to go to bed until he knew the names and faces of all the members of the Apollo 11 flight to the moon. I certainly wouldn’t have expected to conduct a search on what to do when your toddler bites a hole in the rubber seal of your washing machine, or how to remove piece of rubber seal stuck in dishwasher filter. I’ll admit that sale prices for new dishwasher and washing machine south west England was probably the last straw at 11 o’clock at night, but please understand – it was for me too! And I too find that the unending loop of Peppa Pig can be tiresome – but let’s be honest, the alternative is far noisier and a lot less jolly. 

So here’s what I propose: we start again, I keep my promises and you keep your sarcastic Siri answers to yourself. Firstly, that will involve letting The Incident go at long last. I take full responsibility – I shouldn’t have let my toddler hold you, we should have taken precautions to make sure you had a case. The irony of her dropping (and smashing) Daddy’s new iPad on his new £3.50 Father’s day mug (from Tesco), is not lost on me (or him for that matter). I know you profess not to care, but I think one day you will be grateful for the fact the mug survived unscathed. Daddy however… I’m not so sure. 

I know you claim it is unintentional, but it is a tad suspicious that the child who dropped and broke your screen (ahem, twice) should experience more iPad related malfunctions than any other member of the family… You’ve gone quiet. Similarly though, I’ll admit she has it in for you. And I’m aware she’s learned to remove the case – so look out. Think of the good times iPad. Think of the World’s Funniest Cat videos, think about the speed and frequency with which we had instant access to Madonna falling off the stage at the Brits again and again and again… Think about the fact that you quickly settle any argument be it – what film Tom Hanks won his Oscar for – or what year Ocean Colour Scene released their 3rd album – or even where Milkshake Monkey is filmed. The FaceTimes, the photos – the good times will come again, If we can all just agree to get along. 

Yours, (always grateful) 

Me 

Ps: Just one last quick one – can I just take a photo of your keyboard? I got as far as QWERTY and the baby’s taken the keys off the laptop… Again.