Hasn’t it been a funny old day? It’s not my area of expertise to comment on politics and I certainly don’t intend to. In the UK today lots of people are divided angry or feeling hopeless in the wake of the result of our EU Referendum. Regardless of which direction people voted, it’s fair to say this is beginning of some turbulent times.
We can’t change the outcome of yesterday’s referendum.
The result is all over the news. I suspect everyone feels a bit fed up of hearing about it for the past 4 months or so and no one really know what’s going to happen.
As an antidote to this angst-ridden day, I’ve trawled my Facebook page from eons ago to find some short funnies.
Past and present, if one of these makes just one of you smile today, I’ll be happy with that.
1. Another successful Tesco outing:
Return to car with shopping and children, put shopping and children in the car, return trolley to trolley park. Get in (weirdly unlocked) car with (even weirder) no children in the back. See children waving and laughing in the car next to the one I am sat in, hurriedly get out of the wrong car and return to mine and my children…only to hear the words every teacher dreads: ‘Alright Miss!’ from the pupil who has witnessed the entire thing.
2. On the bus. My son (then 2) is chatting to a man with a dog.
Son: Where are you going?
Man: Taking my dog for hair cut.
Son: Oh right. But not you…You’ve got no hair.
Me: *rooting in bag for imaginary item
3. Does anyone else think Norman Price is a prat? Or is it just my son who has an especial dislike?
There’s nothing like a 6am deconstruction of Norman Price’s bad behaviour. According to my son, Fireman Sam should have left him on that mountain to ‘think about what he’d done’.
4. I think we all have to have these conversations when the new baby arrives…well, maybe not all of us.
Me: Don’t put your fingers in your baby sister’s mouth.
Me:Because your fingers may have germs on them.
Son: *inspecting fingers I can’t see any germs
Son: I can see chocolate though.
5. Sometimes, kids could do with a trip to charm school. But let’s be honest, sometimes they only say what we’re all thinking.
In town, we see a man dressed as a Town Crier in full ceremonial dress
Man: Hello there sweetheart, would you like a turn ring the bell?
Daughter 1 (2yo): No. Go away.
6. I’m sometimes a bit rubbish at playing with my children. They change the rules, I do it wrong and there’s always something else that needs my attention. That’s where Grandma comes in. My son and eldest daughter were playing pet shops with my mum when they were 4 and 22 months old when the following conversation happened.
Grandma: Can I buy a mouse please?
Son: I’ll have to weigh him.(*puts mouse on scales, hands on hips, shakes head and sighs) Not today I’m afraid.
Grandma: (*to my daughter) Please can I have a dinosaur?
Daughter: No thank you (places dinosaur firmly back in the jar)
Son: (*Apologetically) We’re not a pet shop anymore. We’re a zoo that sells sweets.
Grandma: Of course you are love…
7. On a bus full of elderly ladies, one lady is especially sweet. She has a small fluffy dog on her knee.
Son: I like your dog.
Lady: Thank you. Do you have a dog?
Son: No, just a naughty cat.
Lady: Aw, if you did get a dog, what would you call it?
Son: Probably Jesus.
Old Ladies: *Collective gasp
8. Feeding my friend’s chickens (God rest their pecky little souls)
Me: (*Head in shed getting chicken feed) Whatever you do, don’t open the –
Chicken: (*at my heel) Cluck.
Son: The chicken did it.
9. Leaving the motorway service station, powering down the slip lane to the M5.
Son: Mummy where’s my sister?
Me: HOLY CRAP!!!
Son: Kidding. Gotcha though…
10.I wonder if any of the England team ever had to have their mother make a pitch invasion to turn their shirt the right way round…?
11. My daughter’s favourite toy Molly Dolly is in the car.
7pm: (*from the comfort of my own home) Well, she went to bed without her…I’m sure it will be fine if I leave her out there. It’s raining after all.
3am: (*in the car, now soaked through) You’re an idiot. You deserve this.
12: Ye olde forsaken argumenteth of thy youth…
Daughter 1 (almost 2yo): YOU’RE NOT COMING TO MY PARTY!
Son: Er, why not?
D1: You’re too little.
Son: I’m four!
D1: Well I’m six!
Son: (*under his breath) You’re bonkers is what you are…
13. I have always hated the dentist.
Dentist: Do you floss every day?
*she glances at Child 1, who has found the foot pump to the sink and creating his own ‘whirlpool’. Child 2 is wearing her coat backwards and alternating between putting the hood over her face and telling the room ‘Woooo, I’m a ghost!’ and pointing to the poster of banned food and saying ‘yum yum!’. Child 3 is eating a sticker.
Dentist: Never mind.
14. There could be no good news in this scenario…
Son: Mummy, I have bad news and I have really bad news…
Me: Go on…
Son: Someone has done a poo on carpet.
Me: Is that the really bad news?
Son: No. The really bad news is…I’ve trodden in it.
15. Remember when The Sixth Sense was released? And everyone wanted to ruin the surprise twist at the end? I’m really glad my daughter wasn’t around for for that.
Me: *Reading a lift-the-flap book) Where oh where is baby bear?
D1: He’s in the buggy.
Me: Are you there baby bear, up in that tree?
D1: He’s in the buggy.
Me: Are you there baby bear, deep underground?
D1: He’s in the buggy.
16. They always seem to know best, don’t they?
Me: What are you most looking forward to seeing at the zoo?
D1: Baby Jesus.
Me: No, its not Christmas and he’s definitely not at the zoo.
D1: He is.
Me: No. Really not.
D1: (*Knowing look) We’ll see…
17. This one has been on repeat recently…
D1:No! I hate football.
Me: It’s not football it’s tennis.
D1: Dennis? Well, tell him I HATE him too…
18. A busy supermarket.
Daughter 2 (1yo): BATSHIT BATSHIT BATSHIT BATSHIT!!!!
*Crowd of horrified shoppers gathering to see the spectacle
Me: If you want to hold the BASKET, you have to say please.
D2: Batshit please Mumma.
19. At the check out in the supermarket.
Friendly cashier: oh lovely, are you having a roast dinner?
Daughter 1: Yes.
Friendly cashier: That’ll be lovely! Make sure you eat it all up.
D1: (*eyeing the legs of the raw chicken) I will. But I’m going to make Daddy eat the dinosaur feet.
20. Showering after a swim…
Son: I did really well swimming today. I could even swim underwater!
Man eavesdropping: Everyone can swim underwater.
Son: (*under his breath) I’m pretty sure my cat can’t.