I think I’d like to have my own talk show. I was thinking about it a lot when I watched Jonathan Ross tonight. I often talk with my best friend Katie about Graham Norton – we critique the guests, laugh about the jokes and then compare what time we each fell asleep and missed the end. I think we would be an amazing West Yorkshire alternative to Mel and Sue in our version of the Saturday night talk show. My Cornwall friends and I could do a raucous version of Loose Women – broadcast after 9, obviously.
But my husband and I, we could become the double act of the century. I’m amazed we haven’t been flooded with offers from production companies.
In fact, I think if I do a kind of pitch to present – we can be ready to hit the ground running, as I believe they say in the biz they call show…
*Camera pans in on a messy living room set. There are many children’s toys littered about, a woman is wearing a fluffy dressing gown drinking wine in a mug and is folding socks.
Wife: Don’t look at my hair it’s a complete thatch. Don’t zoom in!! Actually, don’t zoom out it’s a pig sty in here! Evening all, apologies it’s just me, he’ll be along in a minute. He’s inspecting the loft conversion, there’s a new plug socket he’s not photographed yet so he might be a while. Have we got a treat for you tonight…
Husband: (enters treading on a small piece of Lego) MOTHER F-
*cuts to advert*
(a small boy has joined the couple on the sofa)
Husband: (reads autocue woodenly) Welcome back everybody. Hope you are ready to have an amazing evening. We have some wonderful guests and amazing musical interludes for you to enjoy.
Boy: *whispers* Is it late?
Boy: Really late?
Husband: *hissing* Yes!
Boy: Can I see the guests?
*look at each other in confusion*
Boy: Can I also have a hot chocolate?
*Both parents point to the door. Boy drags his feet walking to the door and in temper, kicks a toy car on the way out, stubs toe, begins wailing, cut to advert*
(On the return, the small boy is again on the sofa, sniffing quietly and now drinking hot chocolate. A Hollywood superstar is on the sofa opposite.)
Wife: (to superstar) Welcome! What an honour! Sorry about the mess… Have you eaten? I’ve got some leftover chicken?
Superstar: The pleasure’s all mine. I’m really ok, thanks. I’m also vegetarian.’
Superstar: Uh huh.
Boy: Would you eat meat if someone paid you £5?
Superstar: Hahahahahahahahaha (laughs a bit too long) No.
Boy: I would. I sometimes eat my carrots for a pack of football cards.
*Parents elbow boy on each side.*
Girl: (appears at door) Can I have a glass of water?
Boy: I’m talking to a Hollywood great. (I don’t actually know who he is)
Superstar: Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha (again, too long. Stony glance.)
Girl (To superstar) I don’t like your noise.
Superstar: (perturbed) My noise?
Girl: Mummy. He’s noisy. I don’t like him.
Superstar: Should I go?
Wife: Not at all, it’s a phase, don’t worry. Just don’t… Well don’t look directly at her.
Husband: Or let her try on your shoes – you’ll never see them again. She’s like a 21st century version of the Artful Dodger. Only more terrifying.
Wife: So you’re here to promote your film! How exciting…
Superstar: Yes it’s been great, it’s been so different , a real departure from my usual roles.
Boy: Were you in Toy Story?
Boy: Toy Story 2?
Boy: Toy –
Superstar: I’ll save you some time champ, I’m not in any of the Toy Story movies.
Boy: Oh. (Pauses. Turns to parents.) Can I go to bed now?
*Cuts to advert break*
(On the return, the girl is now sat behind the superstar affixing glittery hair clips to his hair)
Girl: You look so pretty, like Elsa!
Superstar: Do you like Frozen?
Superstar: I know one of the actors from the movie.
Girl: (puzzled) Actor?
Superstar: You know, the person who pretends to play the character in the film. Like Elsa or Anna.
Girl: (looks at parents in horror) She’s not real??
(Parents shake heads in slow unison…)
*15 minutes later, the girl is now back with her parents glowering at the superstar.
Wife: Well thank you for joining us, just as we have to say goodbye to our special guest, you’ve been a blast!
Superstar: I can go?!
Husband: Of course! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: can we have a huge round of applause please, for… (He is already gone) Oh gutted!
Wife: What a nice man! What could you possibly be gutted about?
Husband: I forgot to show him the photos of the loft.
Wife: (Is already asleep).