Position available, existing staff member on dazed, sleep-deprived sabbatical. Immediate start. Unspecified hours (realistically 24 per day, sometimes feels like 72)

Main duties:

The main duties involve caring for 3 charges under 6 and one 32 year old husband. Husband affable 84% of time, often makes coffee, will iron occasional garment with minimal fuss (albeit sometimes with sexist remarks and jests about ‘part-timers’) Cannot use initiative and although has full range of vision, often panics within 30 seconds of being asked to find something and quickly surrenders. Does not do night shifts, likes curry and X Factor. As long as you don’t mention that he likes X Factor…
The boy, likes television. Will watch television as long as you let him (do not let him). He’s good at the questions, won’t listen to the answer. He’s a mummy’s boy with a heart of gold and no woman will ever be good enough for him.
The girl, looks like an angel. Don’t let that fool you. She’s already weighed you up, Sherlock style. She knows your strengths, your weaknesses, your shoe size (she had your shoes on the minute you took them off). Get this one on side, the whole job can be a doddle. Lose her, lock yourself in the bathroom and pray.
The baby, is the loose canon. Watch her, approach with caution (and a snack) remember the simple rules: no biting, no pushing, less screeching, minimal climbing, no head butting and don’t touch the pink doll’s pushchair – unless you want all of the previous to happen at the same time.

First aid:

This takes up a huge part of the role in this house. Appreciate there are high levels of drama from your charges, play down everything. Learn the cries.
The shouting of a name followed by low and rising cry: someone has snatched, smacked or said something mean. Appropriate response – request child comes to you
Low and rising, no name: a minor trapping of finger, banged head or spillage: Go to child, no panic.
A bang, followed by high pitched, immediate: Grab a kitchen roll and move swiftly- there may be blood.
A second child reporting the injury of another child, no noise: run.

Negotiator:

For those who progress past the application stage, please prepare for the following role play scenarios…
Child 1 has 34 Peppa Pig figures, a visiting child (child 2) wants to hold her favourite one – child 1 wants to scratch out child 2’s eyes. Mum of child 2 is a relatively ‘new’ friend.
Child 3 only drinks milk out of the blue sports bottle. Said bottle is 300 miles away at Grandma’s house. It is 5:30am.
Child 4 is hungry in the dentist waiting room. You have 3 crayons, a miniature baby doll and a chocolate penny left over from Christmas in your handbag – her appointment is in 4 minutes.

Engineer:

If you’ve ever put together lego or successfully transformed a Transformer in under an hour, without calling it a rude name, please state this on your application form, you will automatically progress to the interview stage.

Job perks:

The children. They bring all the joy. The husband, he is so kind and never whinges about the mess. Also, you have sole rights and dramatic license to throw strops at least once a week about doing everything, being unappreciated, trodden on, tired, overworked etc. These strops are 100% drama and often libellous and used almost always as an excuse to fish for compliments and receive cuddles. The wine. The wine is a must, the husband is so good with the wine.

Actually, perhaps I’ll give it another week.